works of fiction

It's so quiet. There's just a soft rustling sound, but I don't think it's real. Probably just my mind making things up that aren't really there. Again. No, wait, there is something. It's that bloody ball of paper I threw in the bin - and missed. It's unwrapping itself like a hedgehog when it thinks that danger has gone away. Stopped now. Run out of energy and enthusiasm. Oh God, I know that feeling so well.

 

For heaven's sake, man, just get on with it and write. Seven months wasted on this bloody scene. I can see it right now. I dream about it. I talk about it. Well, I did when you were still here Jenny. And after you left I would even talk about it to myself. Out loud sometimes. Did I just say that out loud? Who knows? Who cares? Well, I do. I can see the characters right now, playing out like a movie in my brain. Teasing me. Each time I try to catch them, to pluck the glistening shapes from beneath the surface of the dappled stream of my thoughts, they dart away like silver fish. Just a flick of their tails and they slip out of reach before stopping to look back at me. Waiting for my next move.

 

So why the hell can't I write it down exactly as it should be. Each time I try it's almost right, but not quite. Not good enough to be the perfect first chapter. Not the perfect portal. I'll just look away for a minute and then try to catch them unawares. See, I'm not looking now. Not even out of the corner of my eye. Just having a longing look at your photo. Yes, Jenny, I'm still here, even though you aren't. This is all for you, you know. This novel is going to be my present to you. Wherever you are now. I love you and miss you. If only you could hear what my heart was saying instead of the stuttering, stammering heap of crap each time I tried to tell you.

 

Don't look back at me like that, please. The place is a tip, OK, but I can fix that up for us when you come back - if you come back. Please say you will. I just need to get the perfect opening scene done and then everything will be fine again. The words will flow freely then. Remember how happy we were when we first met? Before the police came and took our stuff away. I'll just lay you down where you should be, close to me, while I try to catch those silver fish before everything swims away forever.